Carol singers Quick, turn off all the lights
01:30 GMT, 20 December 2012
Your cut-out-and-keep A-Z of Christmas noises
A is for AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- AAARRRGGHHH!
B is for ‘Bang, bang, bang, bang, zzzzzzzzz’. Too much Christmas dinner means Dad catches only the first two-and-a-half minutes of Godfather Part II.
C is for ‘CRRRAASSSSH, woof, woof, woof!’ Sticking the overweight fairy on top of the Christmas tree causes it to unbalance and fall headlong on the Yorkshire terrier.
D is for ‘Dyouwannabeinmygangmygangmygang’ The ghost of Christmas past. (SEE ALSO: ‘Owzabouthatthenguysngals’.)
Quiet! T is for 'Tra-la-la-la-la-la-click-click-click-click-click-click'. Alerted by the sound of approaching carol-singers, Dad turns off all the lights in the house (picture posed by models)
E is for ‘Eeeeeucch!’ Grandma takes her first sip of Dad’s home-brew cabernet sauvignon.
F is for ‘F***! F***! F***!’ The festive spirit takes a turn for the worse when Geoff demands 2,200 from Sue when she falls on Mayfair with two hotels during a Boxing Day game of Monopoly.
G is for ‘Gun!, Oh-my-God-He’s-got-a . . .’ The seasonal good cheer of the EastEnders Christmas edition is well under way.
H is for ‘Huh’. These days, not every child is delighted to get a shoe-shine kit for Christmas.
I is for ‘I’ve already got one just the same as this’ — first among Things Not To Say when opening a present in front of an aunt. ‘I’ is also for ‘In that case, I’ll give it to someone else’ — first among Things An Aunt Mustn’t Say when her present is rejected.
J is for ‘Just to say I’m halfway through eating my second chipolata.’ There’s no let-up for Speaker’s wife Sally Bercow and her tweets throughout the Christmas period.
K is for ‘The Katie Price Cookbook But I don’t even like Katie Price!’
L is for ‘La La La Mistletoe La La La Children La La La Angels La La La.’ Always nice to hear Cliff on the radio at Christmas.
M is for ‘Might I have a word with you, my lord’ ‘Can’t it wait, Carson’ Bad news awaits the Earl of Grantham at Downton Abbey this Christmas — and every Christmas. ‘M’ is also for ‘Mmmm . . . that smells like lavender to me! My favourite!’ Granny shows her appreciation for her annual Christmas present of scented bath salts.
N is for ‘Now where did I put the Sellotape’
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Oh Ed, you’re such a delicate little flower!
CRAIG BROWN'S BOOK OF THE WEEK: The Odd Couple: The professor of cut and paste
Pippa gets to the bottom of sitting down
First, nip off to Brussels to buy your sprouts…
Will Comrade Cutie see the funny side
VIEW FULL ARCHIVE
O is for ‘Ohhokeycokeycokey-ohhokeycokeycokeyohcrashbangowwww!’ Granny takes a tumble when the Christmas festivities get out of hand. ‘O’ is also for ‘Owzabouthatthenguysngals’ — the ghost of Christmas past. (SEE ALSO: ‘Dywannabe- inmygangmygangmygang’)
P is for ‘Pfffflrruupppp!’ Last year’s whoopee cushion is still working its old magic.
Q is for ‘Quick, everyone! Hide!’ The new vicar and her husband have taken that carefree invitation to drop round any time a little too seriously.
R is for ‘Really, Carson O’Brien and Mrs Crawley have eloped Are you absolutely certain’
S is for ‘So, on Boxing Day we went to my sister’s for lunch because they’d been to us on Christmas Eve. No, I tell a lie, it was the day before Christmas Eve, and on Boxing Day evening we had some neighbours round for drinks, and then on the day after Boxing Day we, now let me see, what on earth did we do Sue! Sue! Sorry, Sue, but did we do anything on the day after Boxing Day’
T is for ‘Tra-la-la-la-la-la-click-click-click-click-click-click’. Alerted by the sound of approaching carol-singers, Dad turns off all the lights in the house.
U is for ‘Um, um, um, um, sorry everyone, um, um, um, um’. When it comes to Scrabble, some members of the family prefer to take a minimum of ten minutes to mull over all the possibilities.
V is for ‘Vvvvvvvlllupppp!’ Just under three-and-a-half pounds of uneaten Brussels sprouts per British household are dumped into the bin at 9.15pm on Boxing Day.
W is for: ‘Where did I put that tiny little screw’ ‘W’ is also for: ‘What do you mean, you threw it away’ ‘W’ is also for: ‘Why why Oh my God. But surely you realised it would be absolutely vital if we’re going to assemble the Meccano crane before New Year.’
X is for ‘XXXXXXXXXX — XXXXXXXXX — XXXXXXXX’. After a couple of glasses of homemade cherry brandy, Cousin Ethel is anyone’s.
Y is for ‘Yo, ho, ho, aaargh!’ After a couple of glasses of homemade cherry brandy, Santa walks headlong into the glass door.
Z is for ‘Zzzzzz’. The Queen’s Speech is, once again, the highlight of everyone’s Christmas.