Hotpants for Ms Harman, an abacus for Ed Balls — and a burka for Sally Bercow
00:43 GMT, 24 December 2012
QUENTIN LETTS hands out his celebrity Xmas presents
Last-minute Christmas shopping — it’s such a nightmare, isn’t it What on earth can you buy the celebrities who seem to have everything Our brilliant sketchwriter Quentin Letts has a few suggestions . . .
Sir Bruce Forsyth — some new Duracell batteries, to keep him going for yet another year.
David Cameron — a German phrasebook, the better to chat up Angela Merkel.
Last-minute Christmas shopping – it's such a nightmare, isn't it What on earth can you buy the celebrities who seem to have everything
HRH Prince Charles — patience, patience, patience.
Camilla — a bottle of gin usually goes down well.
Samantha Cameron — a shell suit, to ‘reach out’ beyond the Notting Hill core vote of yummy mummies.
Nick Clegg — a lovely, giant, yellow balloon which he can tie to his wrist and then quietly float away in the direction of Brussels.
Kate Middleton — ginger biscuits; they’re good for morning sickness.
Prince William — knitting needles and a ball of wool.
Tracey Emin — a gallon of Tippex.
Vince Cable — Nick’s job.
Jeremy Clarkson — a dinner-for-two with Harriet Harman.
Ed Miliband — Ed Balls’s resignation, in writing.
Lord (John) Prescott – a bag of sugar to sweeten all those sour grapes
Michael O’Leary, the Ryanair boss — a rooftop ride on one of those packed, central-African country buses, so that he gets a taste of what it’s like to fly on his budget airline.
Theresa May, the Home Secretary — a joke book.
Mo Farah — a new ‘trademark gesture’ (how he must regret ever doing the hands-over-the-head routine).
Jordan, the ‘glamour’ model — a bicycle-tyre repair kit.
Dominic Grieve, the Attorney General — a leg wax and a Brazilian. Some of his decisions recently have been decidedly on the hairy side.
Prof Stephen Hawking — a big scarlet ribbon to tie round the next black hole he discovers.
Sir Jonathan Miller — a cup half-full rather than half-empty.
Dame Maggie Smith’s, Dowager Countess of Grantham — a hot, passionate affair with Carson the butler.
Roman Abramovich — a new personnel manager, pronto, before he sacks yet another manager of his Chelsea FC.
Lord (John) Prescott — a bag of sugar to sweeten all those sour grapes.
His wife, Pauline — a fancy-dress Juliet Bravo costume so she can dress up for poor John and console him for losing the Humberside police commissioner election.
Lord (Alan) Sugar — a Donald Trump novelty wig, to make him even more alluring to the laydees.
John Terry — a DVD box-set of the Black And White Minstrel Show.
Jeremy Paxman — a stint as an X Factor judge. He’d be brilliant at it, and so much more original than dingbat Tulisa.
Bradley Wiggins — a box of drawing pins (always useful to a racing cyclist).
Merry Christmas: Lord (Alan) Sugar – a Donald Trump novelty wig, to make him even more alluring to the laydees
Lord Patten, the BBC chairman — better luck next time. His last choice of director-general, poor George Entwistle, lasted no longer than a Christmas Day cracker toy. Let’s hope Tony Hall proves more successful.
George Entwistle — a copy of Monty Python’s song Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.
Mark Carney, the incoming Bank of England Governor — a bowler hat and sponge-bag trousers.
Would it not send out the perfect message to all those wide-boy City types if the new head of our central bank dressed like provincial bank manager Captain Mainwaring
Jamie Oliver — a calorie counter for his v. naughty recipes.
Kenneth Clarke — a divan in his office, so he can snooze there rather than on the Commons front bench during Prime Minister’s Questions.
Tony Blair — oooh, a halo would probably do.
What about Eric Pickles Zumba classes
Chris Huhne — a spanking new pair of leatherette driving gloves.
Harriet Harman — hotpants.
John Motson — a knighthood. It seems odd that he was not given one years ago, if only for services to the sheepskin coat industry.
Ed Balls — an abacus.
His wife, Yvette Cooper — softer vowels, harder policies; at present, she has these two the wrong way round.
Clare Balding — a monocle.
The Duke of Edinburgh — the occasional day off. He has earned it.
Rory Bremner — a return to prime-time TV. We need to hear his Ed Miliband impression!
Boris Johnson — a comb.
Sir Salman Rushdie — the love of a plump-dimpled country girl, preferably one who cannot read.
King Richard III — some peace and quiet. Poor chap has just been dug up in Leicester. Can’t a fella be left to moulder in his grave these days
Sir Ranulph Fiennes — woolly socks. Always handy for an explorer.
Eric Pickles, zumba classes.
John Humphrys — grade I-listed status.
Joan Collins — a bigger birthday cake (to fit all those candles)
Kate Moss — nicotine patches.
Francois Hollande, the French President — a soupcon of his predecessor Nicolas Sarkozy’s flair.
David Starkey — the presenter’s job on Weakest Link. He’d be much more fun than jaded Anne Robinson.
Missing out: Owing to austerity measures, Mr Osborne will not be receiving Christmas presents this year
George Osborne — owing to austerity measures, Mr Osborne will not be receiving Christmas presents this year.
Lord (Sebastian) Coe, the Olympics organiser — permission never to have to give another interview about London 2012. He must be heartily sick of it by now.
Kevin Pietersen, the England cricketer — team spirit.
Dame Judi Dench — a role in EastEnders.
Harry Redknapp — luck; he is going to need it if his new team QPR is to survive in the Premier League.
Sir Alex Ferguson, of Manchester United — new spectacles, to stop him being so one-eyed when it comes to referees.
Victoria ‘Posh Spice’ Beckham — a tickle under the armpits, to try to make the pouty grump smile.
Christopher Maloney, the X Factor whinger — a hat, to place on the pavement when he next sings.
Simon Cowell — a band (gastric, not pop).
Polly Toynbee — a Christmas goose.
Mariella Frostrup — a Labour peerage. It does seem to be what she’s always wanted.
Jessica Ennis — a new agent. The one she has at present is in danger of wrecking her appeal by over-promoting her.
Nadine Dorries MP — a career in showbiz, because the political one is now shot.
Evan Davies — a tightrope artist’s pole, to improve his sense of (political) balance.
Holly Willoughby, the TV presenter — beeswax for those amazing eyelashes.
Russell Brand — a tin of top-strength Lynx deodorant.
Michael Gove — canonisation, given what he is doing to wrench the country’s education system back from the brink.
Rowan Williams, the departing Archbishop of Canterbury, and his wife — T-shirts saying ‘Hymn’ and ‘Her’.
Justin Welby, Williams’s successor — the hide of a hippo.
Alex Salmond — an exercise bike, because at this rate ‘Big Alec’ might pop.
Princess Anne — some stick-on sideburns and a box of cheroots.
Sally Bercow — a big burka, if only to hide from libel lawyers.
John Bercow — earplugs, for domestic use. Plus a jumbo box of Viagra.