Oh Ed, you’re such a delicate little flower!
23:30 GMT, 10 December 2012
NEXT YEAR'S NEWS TODAY (PART 2)
Nadine Dorries MP agrees to appear as the special guest at the Chimpanzees' Tea Party at Whipsnade Zoo
Nadine Dorries MP agrees to appear as the special guest at the Chimpanzees’ Tea Party at Whipsnade Zoo, three times daily, and four times at weekends.
'I’m on a mission to communicate,’ she explains, ‘and I plan to tell the chimps all about the Common Agricultural Policy and the Exchange Rate Mechanism.
Anyone who says I shouldn’t is merely being chimpist. Frankly, I don’t know what the fuss is all about.’
Following failed attempts to rebrand Tunbridge Wells ‘Funbridge Wells’, other British towns have followed suit, among them Jollyhead, Titteridge and Glambourn. Over a century ago, one Northern town, Glumwick, was rebranded as Giggleswick, but tourist figures remain disappointing.
After the success of Scandinavian crime thrillers such as The Killing and The Bridge, a Danish remake of Postman Pat comes to children’s television.
‘Postman Pat: Homicide’ begins with Pat running naked through a dark forest. In the next scene he is a corpse on a pathologist’s table, an incomprehensible code tattooed on his backside.
A ring of suspects, all members of one of Denmark’s wealthiest families, is traced to the dark and forbidding island of Angst.
At the end of episode 1, Postman Pat’s black and white cat, Jess, is found floating down a river, decapitated. With 25 more episodes to go, it is probably too early to tell who the killer is, but the village postmistress, Mrs Goggins, can often be spotted in the shadows, sharpening her knives.
A new series of Downton Abbey begins. In surprise developments, Cora, Countess of Grantham steps into a puddle and disappears, presumed dead, the Earl of Grantham recovers from his grief speedily enough to marry Thomas the footman in a civil ceremony, and Mrs Crawley abandons all her charitable causes in order to manage a branch of Peppermint Rhino in the village of Downton.
Show time: The inquiry set up by Prime Minister David Cameron to look into the whole question of far-reaching inquiries reaches its conclusions
At Westminster, the far-reaching inquiry set up by Prime Minister David Cameron to look into the whole question of far-reaching inquiries reaches its conclusions. Their publication is followed by a far-reaching inquiry into what exactly they mean, and how to implement them.
Pippa Middleton publishes her new lavishly illustrated book, ‘Shop! A Year Of Going Shopping’, full of hundreds of tips on how to shop.
'I always think that the best place to shop is in a shop,’ advises Pippa in her introduction, ‘especially when you want to buy something.’
Other handy hints in the book include:
Always look at something before you buy it. That way, you won’t be disappointed!Do remember to take a means of payment when you go shopping as most items on sale will cost something!You can always judge which items are more expensive than others by looking at the price tags on them!Once you have bought an item, it is yours to keep for ever!
More from Craig Brown…
CRAIG BROWN'S BOOK OF THE WEEK: The Odd Couple: The professor of cut and paste
Pippa gets to the bottom of sitting down
First, nip off to Brussels to buy your sprouts…
Will Comrade Cutie see the funny side
A craze that may be worth milking . . .
CRAIG BROWN'S BOOK OF THE WEEK: The unstable A-bomb know-all who self-destructed
A moustache no longer cuts the Mustard
Can we fix it for a jolly Christmas No 1 Yes we can!
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The first Worldwide Conference of Tweeters opens at Olympia, West London. In his opening address, the President says: ‘Just enjoyed takeaway Indian and watched Homeland Box Set. Great night in :)’
The first speaker from the floor sums up the mood of the conference, saying: ‘Bit rainy outside but oh well, can’t complain, things could be a lot worse.’
Future discussions include: ‘Anything on TV tonight’ and ‘Anyone out there know best way to fix up a venetian blind’
In a fresh bid to portray himself as a caring human being, Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls reveals that he is now in touch with his feminine side.
‘I just love arranging flowers, particularly dahlias and sweet peas. It makes me cry,’ he tells The One Show. ‘But if they won’t fit in the vase, I just tear them to pieces and stamp on them. That’s the only language those flowers understand.’
Elsewhere, top PR Matthew Freud announces that he has taken on the celebrated one-armed cleric Abu Hamza as a premier client.
‘Iconoclastic, charismatic and always unexpected, Abu represents a dynamic new force in the world today,’ reads Freud’s first press release.
‘And that’s why he has been chosen as one of this year’s fresh and sassy young competitors on I’m A Celebrity — Get Me Out Of Here!’